When I was at the peak of my anxiety and nutrient deficiency many of my friends, family and colleagues told me that I needed to say no more often and look after myself more. Typically this is not how I work, I love to help people even though I know it can often be at the sacrifice of my own self care. I have quickly come to realise that my mental health is largely improved by crafting. By crafting I don’t mean thinking about projects or researching ideas for inspiration, it is the physical act of working towards and completing projects. However, I have a busy life and Xander has an even busier one. Along come COVID and certain things get to be dropped and yet I still found myself craving time to craft. Whilst listening to a whole bunch of youtube videos, this book came up on the list as ones to read so it felt like the right time to learn the Art of Saying No.
“A ‘no’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble” – Mahatma Gandhi
I struggled with this quote because the whole of me is programed to say ‘yes’ to keep my loved ones happy. This has resulted in me making myself ill in the past because for a lot of years sickness was the only reasonable excuse not to do as I agreed. Even then, it would need to be an “I’m in bed all day” kind of ill.
“Allowing your needs to remain unaddressed while you continuously cater to others is the path towards resentment and bitterness”
Eventually this was very much true. I would still say yes but I would spend the entire time thinking that I didn’t want to do something or I would suffer with drained energy for several days. When Emily came out as transgender I realised something had to give. Emily’s transition started giving me an excuse to say no to things, not to mention the unknown nutrient deficiencies causing me to spend entire weekends in bed. I had to start saying no to things, and in a way I got to blame Emily for that and people understood because I needed time. I literally could have written the next quote.
“I realised that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said ‘no'”
This book really just cements all the things you already know about your time and gives some good examples on how to be respectful and building up to saying no to people and situations that you find difficult. It is extremely repetitive however, and it really wants to drive home the message that others reactions are not your fault if you have been respectful. Also some of the examples seemed a little fairy tale but that could be that they are not the kind of situations that I struggle to say no to.
I feel the book could have been a lot short (without the repetition) oor much more in depth with a much more varied set of situations and reaction , or even some examples from people being interviewed or studied over a period of time whilst they took on board the advice and began to say ‘no’.
I am glad I read the book and it really only took me a couple of hours so it wasn’t a waste of my time but I think I would just take friends out for coffee whilst giving them the cliff notes instead of telling them to give it a read. That is said knowing that I need to be able to relate to examples and their may be a lot of people out there who do.
If this is something you struggle with and you are not listening to the advice of those telling you to say no then give this book a try and it may just resonate with you.
What situations can you simple not say no to even though you really hate doing it?
See you on Saturday.
Faerydae Stitches 